what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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