I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
