I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
