Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
