even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
