So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
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I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
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My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.