'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.