this beer tastes like vomit already
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
