The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
