She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
