I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
