My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
