i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
