just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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