so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
