I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
