I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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