he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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