He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
