im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
