yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
