he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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