i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
