I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
