the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize
