Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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