i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
