My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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