look no pants
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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