have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
