and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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