ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
