Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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