There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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