I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
being pregnant is like rehab
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
