I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
