New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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