all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
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I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
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i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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