please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
