Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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