the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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