his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
