dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
