Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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