I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
