So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
