They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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