Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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