I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
