she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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