tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
