ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
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I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
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My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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