and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
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that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
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Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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