His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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