4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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