you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
