i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
