i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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