i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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