worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
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Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
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If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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