I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
